Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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