2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
