there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize