i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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