Welp...herpes.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize