i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think your dad took our porno
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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