I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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