did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
