dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
whose ass print is on the piano?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
