I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
