Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
