I got chris browned last night
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
