On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
