Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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