Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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