The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize