I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
