you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so let's talk penis.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
