In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
