I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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