Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
