My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize