My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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