I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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