i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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