WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
