Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
