I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
