Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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