I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
