My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
