Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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