Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
