I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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