Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
