you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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