Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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