Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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