what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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