my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
