i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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