gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
