I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
