I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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