I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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