new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
barbara walters just said penis...
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
