Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
