I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
