I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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