"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
