Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
