I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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