What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
