Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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