I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
