And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Someone shattered a urinal.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
