My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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